Greetings

To address people formally, use Mr. or Ms. or a title plus the first name. There are several titles of respect in Vietnamese, but they aren't used in English. One may greet by bowing slightly to each other, they may join hands. Usually, higher ranking people are greeted first (the family head).

The custom of handshaking, formerly considered barbaric to the Vietnamese, is now achieving popularity due to the Western influence in the country. Men will generally shake hands and say the equivalent of "how are you" and tip their hats when greeting people. Women, especially those in the countryside, still shy away from shaking hands, especially with men from their own country. It is best not to offer to shake hands with a woman unless she offers her hand first.

Taboos in Personal Relationships

It is best to call to people in a quiet voice, using their names preceded by Mr. Mrs., or Miss. Waving or beckoning with an upturned finger is considered highly impolite. If you must silently signal for someone to come toward you, do so by using the whole hand with the palm turned down. Not to do so would indicate an air of authority or superiority over the person being called or beckoned.

Never touch anyone on the head as this would be considered as a personal insult to the individual and perhaps even to his ancestors. Many Vietnamese believe the spirit resides there. Hence, the belief that if a person is beheaded, his spirit will roam forever without finding a resting place. Also, don’t touch anyone on the shoulder. Some people believe that a genie resides there and it is undesirable to disturb him. If you mistakenly touch one shoulder, you must also touch the other shoulder and this helps offset the bad luck.

General Etiquette

* Note: For the Vietnamese living abroad, the traditional etiquette changes slightly adapting to the western etiquette.
Vietnamese culture is concerned more with status (obtained with age and education) than with wealth.

• Breaking a promise can be a serious violation of social expectation. It is very difficult to re-establish a lost confidence.
• When inviting a friend on an outing, the bill is paid for by the person offering the invitation.
• Vietnamese may not take appointment times literally, and will often arrive late so as not to appear overly enthusiastic.
• Speaking in a loud tone with excessive gestures is considered rude, especially when done by women.
• Summoning a person with a hand or finger in the upright position is reserved only for animals or inferior people. Between two equal people it is a provocation. To summon a person, the entire hand with the fingers facing down is the only appropriate hand signal.
• The elderly grandparents and parents are taken care of until they die.
• Only a few urban people, influenced by Western customs, celebrate birthdays, since that occasion is not a Vietnamese customs Nor do Vietnamese send Christmas cards. Wedding and funeral ceremonies are important events and are usually performed with solemn and traditional rituals.
• Modesty and humility are emphasized in the culture of the Vietnamese and deeply ingrained into their natural behavior. Therefore, bragging is often criticized and avoided. When be- ing praised for something, a Vietnamese often declines to accept praise by humbly claiming that he does not warrant such esteem. The Vietnamese do not customarily demonstrate their knowledge, skills, or possessions without being asked to do so.
• The majority of Vietnamese women never sip alcohol and usually shy away when alcoholic beverages are offered to them. Drinking women are despised in our society. Drinking problems are rare and practically nonexistent among women.
• While smoking has gained wide acceptance among men, very few Vietnamese women smoke; those who do are generally older women. Women's smoking, in public has been traditionally considered something "unusual."

Family Structure

The family in Vietnam is an extended one, unlike the typical family in the United States, which normally consists of teh father, mother, and unmarried children. The Vietnamese family is composed of the parents, all children, and their in-laws, the gradparents, the great-grandparents, and also in some circumstances, uncles and aunts and their spouses, cousins, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and all in-laws. In other words, it might embrace up to six generations, with everybody who is related either by blood or marriage. There is always a strong feeling of attachment between the members of the same family in spite of the generation gap, which can be large or small.

The center for the family is a house which does not necessarily accommodate everybody. The availability of living space determines the size of the family living together. But typically, one finds grandparents, father, mother, children, and grandchildren living under the same roof. Although not all members of the extended family are housed together, they tend to cluster around a certain area such as a village, small town, or places of easy access in large cities.

Marriage

Influenced by Buddhist theology and Confucian philosophy, Vietnamese believed that fate in marriage, as well as wealth and position, were preordained, though choice could play some role in activating a positive or negative fate. Traditionally, children lived with their parents until marriage, then the couple moved to the husband's father's household. The extended family arranged marriage, but individuals were usually consulted on the choice of their mate. The typical engagement lasted six months, with little contact between the bride and groom prior to the marriage. Traditionally the marriage was at one of the couples' homes. Men usually married between 20 and 30 years, and women at 18 to 25 years. Women kept their maiden names legally but used their husband's name formally.

As western influence increased in Vietnam during this century, parents began to take more of an advisory role in the choice of their child's mate, and arranged marriages are starting to decline. In the US, most young Vietnamese date in the same way as American youth. Though rarely given absolute choice, family still bears heavy influence over the decision to marry. There are a variety of different wedding practices, most common in Seattle are Buddhist and Christian ceremonies. Divorce is uncommon, even in the US, and is considered shameful. In Vietnam, a man is responsible for his spouse until death.

The Wedding Celebration

On the wedding day, the family of the bridegroom go with the groom at a specially chosen hour to the bride’s home. They all walk together in a procession which is normally led by an old man in dark robes carrying an incense burner. The groom’s parents and older relatives follow the elderly man. Next in line is the bridegroom dressed in new clothes and surrounded by his numerous attendants. They are followed by the brothers and sisters and close friends. Women carry betel leaves and areca nuts and offer them to the wedding party en route.

The procession on foot is common in rural areas, especially among the poorer people. It is a status symbol to be able to have other means of transportation in the procession and a great deal of money is often spent by those wishing to make a good impression on others. It is not unusual in large cities to see such processions made up of fancy cars bedecked with garlands of flowers.

When they reach the bride’s home, they are welcomed and invited in by the girl’s parents. The parents never come out beyond the gate of the home, as they do not wish to appear as initiating the move of offering their daughter’s hand in marriage.

After sipping tea, the head of the boy’s family makes a solemn formal request to take the bride away to their home where she will be a daughter-in-law to the family. Solemnly, the father or head of the girl’s family agrees.

Then the girl’s father or head of the family performs a rite in front of the family altar, requesting acceptance of the marriage by his ancestors. The bride and groom follow suit.

A banquet is often held at this point, but near the end, the groom’s family traditionally acts as though they are very anxious to take the bride to their home.

The groom’s entourage then begins the trip home in procession, with the bride and her attendants, friends and relatives joining in.

Little children sometimes set up road blocks and ask tolls of the wedding party. These are readily paid, as they consider it bad luck to refuse.

Upon arrival at the groom’s house, the party is met by the loud noise of firecrackers. The guests are invited inside with the bride and groom and another ceremony which honors the genie of marriage soon commences.

The genie of marriage is often called the Rose Silk Thread God and is believed to be responsible for the couple getting married. A special altar is set up and lighted with candles, and incense and joss sticks are burned in honor of the genie. An older member of the groom’s family leads the ceremony. He and the bridal couple bow many times before the altar, and a red sheet of paper on which a plea for aid and protection is written to the genie of marriage. This is read aloud. Three cups are filled with a clear white alcoholic beverage by the elder man leading the ceremony. The old man bows three times and gives one cup to the groom who sips a little of the liquid and passes it to his bride who also sips a little. The groom takes some ginger and rubs it in salt, eats a little of it and then shares it with his bride. This symbolizes that no matter what happens, their love will remain true. The sheet of red paper is then burned and the three people bow once again paying their final respects to the genie.

At this point, the couple are considered married and a party is usually held with a lot of speech making, gift giving and merrymaking.

Just as in the United States, the groom’s attendants try to keep him busy as long as they can and play jokes on him. In olden days, the bride and groom spent their first night of marriage in separate rooms with their attendants.

The couple usually live with the husband’s parents, at least until children are born. It is expected that the bride will wait on her husband’s family, almost as a servant. This is no the custom with the educated and well-to-do class of people in Vietnam. They are somewhat Westernized in their approach.

Pregnancy Birth

EXCEPT AMONG young moderns, one of the greatest desires of the Vietnamese is to have a large family. Boys are more desired than girls and are especially important to carry on the family line and ancestral worship. A couple having only girls are looked upon by many as having done something wrong in their lives and are, therefore, being punished.

Traditional customs dictate that the mother-to-be must follow strict rules and observe certain customs and taboos in order to have a good healthy baby. She should eat only nourishing foods, but not so nourishing that they would cause the baby to become to big before birth. The mother must carry on prenatal education with her baby, acting and talking as if he was in her presence at all times, guiding and counseling him in physical, intellectual, and moral activities. Alcohol and cigarettes are considered undesirable for the expectant mother.

Pregnant women are often discouraged from undertaking heavy work and getting involved in tense situations. In some lower economic strata, this is impossible, but still desirable.

An expectant mother should not go to weddings and funerals as it is believed that her presence could bring bad luck to the families concerned. It is also considered bad luck for a pregnant woman to meet people about to set out on a trip. Mother-to-be should not step over a hammock lest their child be born lazy. They should not walk too much, reach for things high up, take long uncomfortable rides or frequent places of worship.

Midwives generally deliver babies and cut the umbilical cord with a piece of earthenware or a bamboo knife. The baby is then washed and dressed in old handed-down clothes of his brothers and sisters. Vietnamese people fear that the evil spirits will be jealous of new clothes and cause the baby to become ill. The father may see the child only after the baby has been cleaned and dressed.

Friends send the mother nourishing food, and the baby gold bracelets, clothing and trinkets. The baby’s hair and nails must never be cut during the first month of life.

Whatever possible, the mother is encouraged not to do any strenuous work for at least two to three months. Among the peasantry, they are often back at work within a few days, because of necessity.